Just Thoughts

I'm not sure what to write today, so I decided to put some random thoughts which I supposedly post in my FB status. I changed my mind.


1. Can we just blend in our society and not create a new one within it? I hate secluding myself from the rest of the world when, in fact, we're part of it. There's nothing that we can do unless we conglomerate into one island, build our own country and fuck each other just like what we all think every second of the day. Let's stop acting like we're being discriminated all the time. We are the reasons why we're being banished by a lot of anti-homosexuals and homophobics. Some say that in time, the society will accept us. I say the society will only accept us if we accept the reality that we're not different from everyone else and that we follow the norms.


2. Maybe, the reason why gays can't be accepted wholly because they are defying the moral standards of the society. People like loud, successful and principled gays but not sex-addict ones. Sex plays a vital role in everyone's life and abuse of it is viewed as immoral. In the first place, sex is created basically for reproduction purposes only. It is formulated as very "delicious", delightful and appealing to encourage everyone to reproduce so as to preserve the species. And now, gays are giving a new and, somehow, unacceptable meaning to it- pleasure and undivine.


3. We can only give so much reason and debate about something for so long. In the end, it's what we believe that will eventually get into us. We will all go back to the basic moral fiber of our society and however we try to bend the truth and justify every turn of events, it's us we're accountable for. We transformed sex into something emotional, physical and a form of exercise because we're in denial of the fact that we're breaking the rules, our own beliefs and that of our society as a whole.


4. Yes, it is true that not only the homosexuals are responsible for the global HIV pandemic but that doesn't change anything. Actually, it didn't change most of us because the virus is still spreading the speed of light. I'm not questioning those who are infected or those who initiated the spread. I'm questioning everyone of us who carelessly and continuously practicing sex without thinking of any responsibility. When are we gonna take responsibility and set aside the itchiness we feel between our thighs? When are we gonna wake up? When all of us are already infected and slowly dying? Let us try to think. And please don't mistake my take on this as discrimination to those positives because I, myself, don't know if I have the virus in my system. I just think that we should act what's right. I'm acting it now for four months already and will continue until I have the emotional strength to get tested.


5. It's always hard to get respect when you're forcing anyone. Respect is the kind of gift no one is willing to give easily. It's the only thing a person can gain in no other way but proof of respect. Respect to thy self and to others. Respect is the one thing that a lot of homosexuals neglect to gain because they are devoured by their pride, ego and self-love.


I do not wish to aggravate anyone through these insights. Rather, I encourage everyone to think about it. Let it sink into your gray matter and let us hope it hit the right notes in you. The above opinions have been held into my mind for so long because I know it might offend a lot of people like me. I'm not saying I'm living up to those opinions but I'm trying. I own the responsibility for whatever these opinions may cause and I will try to answer every question be thrown on me. However, spare me from defending my own thoughts for I have nothing of purpose but mere understanding of the complexity of our kind.


I, also, am trying to find ways on how we're going to make everyone understand what we really are. Those who came before us have already succeeded in lifting our tag as mentally sick. Our task, now, is to make everyone else accept that we're not different. And everyone is responsible of making it come true. Unless you only think and take care of your own happiness, which is understandable in any way possible.


In conclusion, I would like to leave a note that says:
"The moment we stop aspiring for the greater good is the same moment that we lose our humanity, thus leaving us as mere homosexuals." -GB, Aug 23, 2010

Mickey Mice

It's Ondoy's fault! Everything has changed after that freaking typhoon hit Metro Manila. The flood that drowned the place to oblivion has caused the migration of all sorts of organisms from down under to the upper level of our apartment. Yes, those little and almost cute mice crawled their way up to my room. I already managed to exterminate the first inhabitants (except myself, of course) of my room but then, the second tenants made my room a cheerful habitat.


First, I used those sticky traps. I bought six pairs to make sure everyone is caught. It smelled sweet and seems appealing for a hungry organism. In a matter of two hours, two of them were already struggling for their lives and be free again. Fortunately, the glue in the trap is so convincingly strong they're unable to escape the inevitable death. Hahaha! I laughed. But when I look into their eyes, I saw pain. They're begging me to let go of them. No! I shouldn't pity them. They ate my Toblerone. They crashed into my favorite Vietnamese instant noodle soup. And they devoured my pistachios. Revenge! Criminals must pay. Justice must be served. And death is their sentence.


Perhaps, they learned their lesson (the deadly way) because even they're starving already they didn't dare to step onto the trap just to have a bite of the delicious chocolate bits I garnished on the trap. Hmmmm??? Damn you intelligent mice. You don't have the right to get that intelligence! It's for us only. Hahahahaha! Hayz... Crap trap.


Blame it to the food I store or left open but they're already getting into my nerves. My second remedy? Ready made bait. According to the product information printed on the box, this poisoned rice grains will slowly kill the rodent by dehydrating them. It is said that no fowl odor will be emitted since the bait will dry up the dead mice's body. Whoa! I never realized I was able to understand that. Well, after painstakingly researching on the effects of the chemicals, I deciphered everything. Hahaha! But wtf??!!! I didn't realize that they still can reproduce that fast! These mice must be so horny every second of the day. Damn sex life they have!


Because of the bait's failure, I decided to look for another way of killing every single mouse partying around my room whenever I am asleep. There's this one poison that takes effect in a matter of an hour. They won't have the time to rethink of eating the bait nor reproducing. Unfortunately, it's not available in the market anymore.


But wait there's one more! The ELECTRONIC RAT AND COCKROACH killer! Dahduh!
I met this killer just five days ago. I was strolling around the department store when I heard the salesman on a microphone calling out the mallers to be his audience but it was only me who obliged. It's a plug-in device designed to irritate rodents and cockroaches and other insects. I requested the salesman to explain how it works. When he mentioned about the radiation, my ear dinged. What radiation? I asked. He held my hand and had me hold a piece of metal. Then he pulled it towards the device. "Nararamdaman mo ba, sir?" "Ang alin?" "Di ata naka-on." Then a slight vibration became stronger. Whoa! Vibrator, eh! This must be interesting...


Sadly, I can't afford it yet. Not now...

Salamin, salamin! Sabihin sa akin!

Isa sa mga pinakakainisan kong bagay sa mundo ay ang salamin. Bakit kamo? Eh kasi isa itong malaking pagpapaalala sa mukha ko! Buti sana kung may naaaninag akong konting kagwapuhan sa tuwing nananalamin pagkatapos maligo. Oo, tuwing pagkatapos lang maligo kung manalamin ako. Kainis!


Pero kung tutuusin ang salamin ang pinaka-sandata ng mga tao laban sa kapangitan. Ito kasi ang walang kasinungalingang bagay. Ang bagay na magsasabi sa iyo ng totoo mong itsura. Maliban na lang kung bulag o di kaya'y nagbubulag-bulagan ka. Ito rin ang nagsusumigaw sa tuwing may makikita kang dumi sa mukha o sa katawan mo. Ito lamang din ang makapagsasabi sa 'yo ng walang pag-iimbot kung ang suot-suot mo'y hindi bagay sa 'yo. Hamakin mong dahil sa salamin naisasaayos mo ang tabingi mong make-up. O kaya naman ay ang magulo mong buhok. Ang salamin ang unang makapagsasabi sa 'yo na may mali sa iyo.


At kahit anong deny mo sa salamin, wala kang maitatago dito. Pwede mong takpan ang bahaging di mo gusto pero pag nasilip na ito ng salamin, wala kang magagawa kundi tanggapin ang katotohanang may ayaw ka sa kung saan mang bahagi ng katawan mo. Pero namamanipula din ang salamin lalo na ng mga gumagawa nito. Kaya kasi nitong i-bend ang katotohan. Kaya nitong palakihin ang bahaging maliit o di kaya'y paliitin ang malaki. Minsan naman may mga salaming sadyang nababaluktot ang tuwid. May mga salamin din kayang baguhin ang kulay. Meron ding kayang paghati-hatiin ang katoohanan. Eto yung mga salaming kung hindi maganda ang pagkakagawa, eh sinadyang gawin para dayain ang mata o kaya simpleng gawing palamuti lamang. Gayunpaman, nire-reflect lang nito ang kung ano mang nasasagap na liwanag.


Pansinin mo, kapag walang liwanag, wala ka ding makikita sa salamin. Nagkakaroon lang ito ng silbi kung maliwanag sapagkat kelangan nya ang liwanag para merong syang maipakita. Samakatwid, walang salamin kapag walang liwanag.


Naalala ko tuloy si Boy Abunda. Mahilig sya noon sa salamin. Pinapakausap nya mga interviewee nya dito. Siguro gusto nyang harapin nila ang sarili nila para matauhan. Para makita ang katotohanan sa kanilang sarili. Para maipamukha ng salamin ang mga bagay na ayaw nilang harapin. Para matauhan sila na ang katapat nating lahat ay isang kapirasong salamin na hindi marunong magsinungaling.


Sa tingin ko nga, salamin talaga ang pambansang best friend kasi hindi na sinungaling hindi pa pinagpipilitan na sya ang tama at totoo. Ipapakita nya ang ang lahat ng totoo. Ikaw na bahala kung tititigan mo ito o ipagwawalang bahala.

My Last Letter to A

Dear AR,


It has been two years since we shared the first same-sex relationship we ever had but it seemed like just weeks ago. I know I already have talked about all sorts of stories about us and all the emotions I had when we're together. Not until today that I realized I haven't moved on completely from you.


There was this one dawn when my bestfriend told me that he thinks we still love each other. I never reacted for I didn't know what to say. I was digging for answers inside my memories. Still I had no comment at that time. Several months passed. Your birthday came. Still I was thinking of that thought.


I slightly detached myself from every strand of connection or anything that would remind me of you to think everything over because I knew there's still something holding on to me. Until I answered my question. Yes, I still love you.


This came after thinking over my past two unsuccessful relationships after you. They never caught my love. I was ready then when they came but theirs never reached to the same point where we ended.


I know that this may sound so futile and pathetic but I never ceased to believe that we could be together after I ended everything. My breaking up from you was not actually intended to really break up but a stupid test I had in mind. I took the risk of losing you the moment I called it off. You obliged and never decided back.


I was in agony for several days and for the first time since 8 years ago, I cried. I cried for all the sad reasons in the world. I drank til I lost my sanity and just sleep it over. But every time I woke up, I was still in pain. All in all, ours never came easy but went away the hardest.


I just wanna say that I had been happy with you. You made me feel the best person in world.

Remember the song you sang? "There's a boy in my mind and he knows I'm thinking of him."
I wish you could still sing that song to me...


Right now, I'm letting go but not forgetting. I always remember. The pain never came back and only sweet memories. And every time I remember us, there's always a little smile in my lips.


Thank you.




More Love,
GB




P.S.
I know that ex's must not be befriended. I believe otherwise. Hope someday we can meet and date as friends, no malice whatsoever.

Sexuality is Fluid

These are the very words my all-time (pero hindi na ngayon) love had said while we're drunk in a bar somewhere in Quezon City in one of the gatherings with my college friends. "I can be like you anytime I wanted to." he added. Although I was so surprised and astonished on his revelations, I kept my excitement from escaping my mouth which at that time was dying to feel his very pink lips. "I would be pursuing you in case you decide to become one of us!" I whispered to him with flirty tone and a touch on his biceps. "Well, you've got me already. No need to pursue." Aaaaaw! We, then, laughed out loud. Good thing the music is louder than us. And NO, nothing had happened after that...


For a moment, I thought that sexuality is driven by so many factors. It is not defined by what you prefer to indulge into nor accentuated by the sexual encounters you've scheduled.  It's as complex as the intricate interconnection of life and laws of nature. Maybe this explains why some straight guys like to crossover from heterosexuality to homosexuality and back again. But according to academe sexuality is an orientation. So how do we explain crossing over of these guys? Simple, sexuality is fluid. It can go back and forth as explained by my psych graduate friend. Therefore, sexuality can defined by decision? Not quite. Still, it's more than that.


"Ang pagiging bakla ay isang desisyon!" exclaimed my officemate-friend. And I added, "Yeah, sexuality is a disposition of life."


My all-time love should have decided to become like me and be with me, and then after he can decide to go back again, so I thought.

First Encounter, Last Part

Dear FB,

I'm writing this because I feel that I need to let go of the memories we've shared and those nights we made more than satisfactory. Those nights were memorable not because I grew some sort of feelings for you (we're relatives, right?) but because those were a stage in my life. A chapter that turned everything upside down. It confirmed a lot of things in me and widened my perspective. But it created some questions that don't need answers anymore. I already agreed to leave the questions behind. Anyway, you're not answerable to me anymore. And your wife and child don't have to learn the things about your past.

First, I ask your forgiveness for I pledged (although not utterly but silently) I would keep everything in secret. That I would archive it and eventually delete from my memory. But it became like a virus replicating itself inside my head until it's beginning to infect my emotions. I just needed to let it out of my system.

I felt we're always in the same page. You knew how to treat me. I know how to react with your bursts. For some reason, we knew each other more than anyone else. This might be the reason why your instinct drove you to me. This might be the reason why even the length of time we're apart, you somehow still know me and I felt I still know you.

But it was a long time ago and I think everything has changed. I'm not the same boy you toy around when you wanted. I'm, now, a guy who can make a guy reach the heavens! I'm not the same tame sheep who would follow everything you'd say. I can make my own moves now. I can even command you during a heavenly tour.

It has been years and we part our ways. You are leading a life every man would've wanted. A family or your own. A woman you wanted to grow old with and a child/children to take care of. I am happy for you. In fact, I'm ecstatic! Just kidding but I really am happy that we've moved on without making any fuss about the past.

I realized that everything were just for lust. We're both young then and our curiosity we're at sky high. The urges we're so strong we couldn't fight it but go with it. Admit it or not, we enjoyed every sigh, moan and kisses. Again, it was a long time ago. I don't want to feed those memories with the emotions.

Lastly, this letter will be the only memoir of those nights. I'll push the button to archive it in my own memory...Zipped and archived.

GB

Last Flight With The Butterfly

I never knew that was the last time I'd ever see him again. He was beautiful. His beauty spells that of serenity and pure kindness.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was a very rainy night and I felt very cold. It seemed that the happiness was stolen from every corner of the world and all was left is loneliness. No warmth within the smiles of the passersby. Everything is just so sad. Then he came out of the busy crowd. He was not smiling but his happiness radiated.

However happy he was inside and no matter how glad I was to see him, I knew then that something was going to happen.

Each small step I made was like leaps away from him. Silence has engulfed both of us while we're together treading the empty streets we used to dream about. I never knew what to say for it was my last flight with him. He would never come back to me. Never ever.

He stopped... I stopped but I was ahead of him. I was always ahead of him. I was with him but in the future.

He was now. I was tomorrow.

I was the architect. He was the builder.

But he became tired. I became more aggressive. I became faster. And I forgot he was holding my hand until he let go of me.

I looked back but I didn't see him anymore. Not the one I used to know. Not the very person I met in that gloomy afternoon when it all began.

His hands were open, waiting for me to go back and hold it again. But I saw there were hands holding his feet tightly. He couldn't walk with me and I knew if I went back I would be stuck with him to the present and, eventually, to the past.

I uttered the words he dreaded to hear. The words I long kept. "I love you." He couldn't say these same words. He didn't have the strength anymore. He was already consumed by his own weakness.

Then, his face fell. There was darkness within it. The same darkness I saw in death.

Then, the monster in me overwhelmed my soul. It's growling. It's angry. Angry at him. He who conquered everything first... I tamed. With him I felt the most wondrous moments I thought. To him I created the future...

I forgave... I bid goodbye... To him... to love

I was flying, now, without a heart.

On My Brother's Graduation Day

I decided not to attend my brother's elementary graduation day sometime nine years ago. Not that I hate the heat of the sun but I just didn't feel going.

So, I was wandering in our nearly deserted village (a lowly and poor one). There's this one neighbor of ours who was very fond of showing of his lean body every time we go swimming in the beach. We're actually playmates when there's nothing to do during weekends. We usually swam and dive the depths of the boat hulls, and play the hide-and-seek sea version. I liked playing with him because I usually get wet! Hahahaha! We always played in the water. Even taking a bath together in the nearby pump. Yes, he only wore skimpy briefs. It's like I wanted to put soap all over his innocent body, scrub him and eventually cleanse him using my hands. What a slut mind!

After, walking in the beach, I sat down on a bench near the intersection of the roads going to city proper, thinking of what to do in a boring summer vacation. Minutes after, I saw this "favorite" guy and signaled that he'd sit down with me. I obliged. He began talking to me about the "wholesome" adventures we had. I must admit, I was not listening to him but he ignored it. Until he was talking about DICKS! And of course, it deviated my mind-trip back to him. He looked at me intently while he's talking about his barkadas' cumming sessions and I thought he saw my eyes widened. What the F?! Why is he talking about those things. I didn't say anything that would lead to such topic. But his intention was revealed the moment he put his hands inside his briefs and started to play with it.

My heart pumped fast that I could not breath comfortably. I hesitated to believe what he's doing. I knew he's up to something but I didn't know what to do. The place was too public to do such a thing! OMG! I couldn't just panic around and let myself in in that place.

So, turned back, stood and walked towards our house. Good thing, my brother is having graduation and I, on the other hand, is completely alone! I was murmuring "Don't go after me." about 10 times. When I reached the gate, I heard his footsteps. Okay, this is it. He'd like to play with me and I'm getting wet again...

To be continued...