Thursday, December 30, 2010

Weak and Lost

Never had I felt this way before...

Two nights ago I faced that one friend who cared for me and asked me about the test I took as I told him about it months ago. I almost cried because somehow I felt someone cared about me personally. Not that I don't appreciate my communications with you about my status right now but it felt better to have someone just hug me and be silent about it. I felt a little relieved that there's someone who can just embrace the truth with me without saying anything. Don't worry, I trust this person a lot and he promised to just forget what I said while we're away from each other. He's a very dear friend, outside the closest friends/bestfriends.

Truthfully, I missed our silent moments. Those times when we just hang out and not talk about anything or just talk about something nonsense.

Just hours before writing this letter to you I felt so alone in my chamber. I felt that there's emptiness in me. I don't know why but for the first time I don't feel inspired despite all those hangouts with friends and family. There's a very big space inside my soul as I searched for answers. And right now I'm lost.

I can't see the earth I'm stepping unto nor the path I'm leading to. Fogs are all over me and even the slightest light I saw weeks ago vanished into thick clouds of the cold and gloomy surroundings. All I could sense right now is the virus inside. It's killing my dreams that every night my sleep is so dead. It numbed me. It took the happiness I was saving all along and I don't know how to get it back.

Before, I've been the pillar of most of my friends including you, I think. Now, the strong column I have and everyone has been holding onto every time we need it was destructed. Every piece of it is slowly blown by the wind I couldn't stop. The strength I was holding was gone and all I can do is watch it stripped off me. I am weak now and I don't know where to get the strength I had before.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what life will lead me to. The virus has taken over me. And now, all I could do is weakly watch while it's taking my senses away.

I'm afraid... I need a hand more than ever... I need a shoulder. I need myself back...

Monday, December 27, 2010

I am Afraid to Love Again

Yesterday, while listening to the mini-seminar that a church-woman was saying, I was enthralled by a declaration she made about the sacrament of marriage. She said that marriage is only for a man and a woman. But she didn't stop there, instead she stressed by saying "Take note: Marriage is for a MAN and WOMAN ONLY."

I didn't know what to think about her saying such. Is she against us? The idea pierced me and it took my bones into shivers. I didn't realize that in this modern world, there are religious "educators" like her who are so close-minded. I can't blame her. She's just saying what she's thought about.

Later on I saw lovers. They are heterosexuals. I could see in their eyes they're so in love or so I thought. Then the idea of LOVE came back again. It's like a shadow following me ever since I gave up on it. I never realized how romantically un-loved I am for the past months.

Although it's not a big deal for me. I dug into myself as to why until now I haven't shared my romantic love at all. Maybe it's the fact that I have loved and lost a partner. I invested on the relationship emotionally to the point that I lost my emotions for my friends and family. Truthfully, I lost my appetite for their love and I searched for another.

The second time I entered in a relationship was not because I loved the guy but because I wanted to feel how good it is to be loved. I didn't succeed. We were both engulfed to the idea of just having a relationship. It ended short-lived.

The third was a gamble I bet a little. No, I didn't bet at all. I let it flown away by the wind. I acted as if I was getting into the relationship and was hoping I could something out of it or I could love again same way I loved before. There was only one quarrel. I remembered telling my bestfriend that it might be it! He might be the one I was searching for. Sad thing was he didn't think same way. He was thinking of his past love. I was left but I didn't leave.

I didn't leave him because I thought he was my bad karma. I thought if I can be with him as a friend I can make amends of the bad things I did before. Or maybe I still can find the guy in him I longed for the past years in my life.

However, right now I just realized that despite those thoughts of love, I fear love. Love is like an unknown idea I had brushed off a long time ago. It's like a pitch dark room that all I can hear is a monstrous sound coming out of it. It's like a plane flying with only one wing and anytime can crash and burn. It's like the ocean where scavenger creatures live waiting to eat the hell out of me.

Certainly, I'm afraid to love again because of all the circumstances in my life. I'm afraid because I'm still selfish. I'm afraid because I'm still in the thoughts that no one would love me back.

Now, I'm swallowing every advice I had given to my friends: "Just love and expect nothing in return." It's a cliche but I think it's always true that the truths you say and advice are the hardest things to do.

I'm still afraid to love. Maybe my fear will wear off once there's someone who'll see me as a lovable person. As long as I see myself as the exact opposite of that, I know no one would ever try to love me. But at the moment, I'm still enjoying the love of my family and friends... and myself...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Activism to Positivism

Back in college I could say that I was one of those "slightly" activists. Slightly for the reason I didn't go full time in fighting for what I believe in. Yes, I went to lots of fora, political discussions and even a protest rally against the budget cut for education especially for the state colleges and universities. I even debated with the anti-leftists and carried the principles of leftist but that's not the point  of this entry. The activist in me was just awakened by the article I've read in PDI's Young Blood column.

I remembered when the rage in me was so strong that I hated the government (that time with PGMA) to the point that I couldn't contain it anymore, that I had to learn more things about the controversies that the regime was into, including the scandals of the past administration. I was not sure why I felt that way until I left college. I was one of those struggling students. I had a scholarship but it was not enough to sustain everything. There were meals I skipped not because I didn't have time but because I needed the money left in my pocket to print the research paper to pass the subject. There were also times when I looked at those students who just wasted their parents' hard-earned money with loath. I envied them for they could afford the education they wanted. At the same time I pity them because they're lost and didn't have goals like mine. But above it all, I was ashamed of the government that couldn't support its citizenry by all means, and that included me and thousands of students crawling their way to get a degree and thereby getting decent paying job. This shame grew into rage.

Maybe my stomach was just almost always empty that's why I seek something to blame to. Or maybe I was too idealistic of what the world should be according to the way I wanted it to be- a peaceful, happy and contented society. Or maybe I haven't seen the real world yet from the corners of the academic edifice.

I left school without a degree but with an earnest heart to finish it and share what I learned even though I didn't like nor dislike what I studied. "Sapat lang" as I put it. Here came the real world! The world of truth where everyone is so busy. I raided Makati City to find the decent job everyone wanted. I fell to the same hole that a lot of my friend fell into. It's a hole where money is abundant as well as stress. The call center world.

At first, I said that was just a transition period. I just needed money to complete the paperworks for thesis. Until I woke up one evening and realized I was already tied to the corporate world of the slaves. It was hard at first  but I eventually got the hang of it. I was ashamed because I had to swallow everything I said back in college. I knew some of those I spoke with bitterness were mocking me already. Just imagine an activist that hated USA he believed that it's imperialist and fascist now serving the country through its BPO companies. Hard isn't it?

In time, it grew upon me that governments, politics and society must not be viewed as a systemic problem at all. I thought all of us are part of this all. However we deny it, in one way or another, we contributed to the bigger problem of our own society. We separate ourselves from that bigger picture once we see something wrong when in fact we rely on this. That being written, I turned the page and immersed myself into it knowing that I might see it with a different hue. I was right. The view now is lighter and with positive colors.

Today, I started saying that being one of those who had the same flame of activism must continue to be activist but this time the war will be fought with tranquility and respect. I started with myself. Then, maybe I can share it to my friends and then my community. This may sound a joke but I wanna do my share. Let's do our share.

P.S.
I got my degree and marched with my hand-woven "Sablay."

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Mass

Today, I heard a mass in the most memorable church of my love life. This is the very church I first entered with my first guy. The very church where I promised that I would take care of the person beside me. And the very church that I took refuge to when I felt lonely the most. But today, I felt fearless and light-headed when I stepped into its tiled floor thinking that I should seek forgiveness from God, the only being I'm accountable to...


It came in like a surprise when the homily was about the "happiness" of the life we're leading to. Of all the places I would be preached of the most evasive but fulfilling happiness, I would get it from the place where I laid my happiness a long time ago. The priest spoke of happiness as if it was contentment. As if it was success in life. As if it was heaven. But he took it back by saying that life might squeeze us so that all that will be left is hate and sadness. It's our decision then if we seek for that sweet revenge or drink the "nutritious" juice of happiness back again.


My favorite part of that homily was "We are unhappy because of what we've done to ourselves only, nothing else."

On My Mind

It's so wonderful to see a sea of people clamoring and racing against each other whilst in the busy day of Divisoria. Yeah, it's Christmas time and everyone has money to spend for everything! But the euphoria left me wondering how on earth could these people splurge at the end of the year when they are struggling so hard after the holidays. Maybe my friend was right about the concept of seizing the moment.

Everyone is in celebration and doesn't want to lose the momentum. While the air of happiness and celebration is around, they tend to ride with it and just enjoy.

As for me, I am seizing the momentous part of the holidays deep down my thoughts. This will be the first time I'll celebrate the holidays with peaceful and solitary mind because this year is the turning point of my life...