I am Afraid to Love Again

Yesterday, while listening to the mini-seminar that a church-woman was saying, I was enthralled by a declaration she made about the sacrament of marriage. She said that marriage is only for a man and a woman. But she didn't stop there, instead she stressed by saying "Take note: Marriage is for a MAN and WOMAN ONLY."

I didn't know what to think about her saying such. Is she against us? The idea pierced me and it took my bones into shivers. I didn't realize that in this modern world, there are religious "educators" like her who are so close-minded. I can't blame her. She's just saying what she's thought about.

Later on I saw lovers. They are heterosexuals. I could see in their eyes they're so in love or so I thought. Then the idea of LOVE came back again. It's like a shadow following me ever since I gave up on it. I never realized how romantically un-loved I am for the past months.

Although it's not a big deal for me. I dug into myself as to why until now I haven't shared my romantic love at all. Maybe it's the fact that I have loved and lost a partner. I invested on the relationship emotionally to the point that I lost my emotions for my friends and family. Truthfully, I lost my appetite for their love and I searched for another.

The second time I entered in a relationship was not because I loved the guy but because I wanted to feel how good it is to be loved. I didn't succeed. We were both engulfed to the idea of just having a relationship. It ended short-lived.

The third was a gamble I bet a little. No, I didn't bet at all. I let it flown away by the wind. I acted as if I was getting into the relationship and was hoping I could something out of it or I could love again same way I loved before. There was only one quarrel. I remembered telling my bestfriend that it might be it! He might be the one I was searching for. Sad thing was he didn't think same way. He was thinking of his past love. I was left but I didn't leave.

I didn't leave him because I thought he was my bad karma. I thought if I can be with him as a friend I can make amends of the bad things I did before. Or maybe I still can find the guy in him I longed for the past years in my life.

However, right now I just realized that despite those thoughts of love, I fear love. Love is like an unknown idea I had brushed off a long time ago. It's like a pitch dark room that all I can hear is a monstrous sound coming out of it. It's like a plane flying with only one wing and anytime can crash and burn. It's like the ocean where scavenger creatures live waiting to eat the hell out of me.

Certainly, I'm afraid to love again because of all the circumstances in my life. I'm afraid because I'm still selfish. I'm afraid because I'm still in the thoughts that no one would love me back.

Now, I'm swallowing every advice I had given to my friends: "Just love and expect nothing in return." It's a cliche but I think it's always true that the truths you say and advice are the hardest things to do.

I'm still afraid to love. Maybe my fear will wear off once there's someone who'll see me as a lovable person. As long as I see myself as the exact opposite of that, I know no one would ever try to love me. But at the moment, I'm still enjoying the love of my family and friends... and myself...