Life As I Know It

Shortly after the revelation, it was hell. As if there was an eclipse that changed the hue of the day into a night-like light. The air that surrounded me was so dry that made it hard to breathe... Then suddenly, the rain of tears fell. It moistened my dry face. Every drop of it was a reminder of the mistakes I made.


I was throbbing. The air escaped my lungs and yet I managed to light a cigarette. Then, the smoke soothed my heavy heart... I died... I was born again... But eventually the life will be taken back...

I Stand By The Sand

The stars were twinkling in the dark night.

I can see some clouds passing by as if teasing the moon.

Down there are the home lights that lit the city like the sparkling dress of the show girls I saw in the television.

But the mountain above the city boasts its might saying it's dominant.

Now, I can see myself standing by the sea amid the vast sands.

I can feel the grains of sand underneath my feet.

Then, the cold water touched my toes and brought coldness upon my body.

Will this be the last evening? I ask...

Isang Taon at Kalahati ang Nakalipas

Cliche: "Parang kelan lang."

Labing apat na buwan na ang nakalipas nang huling nagsulat ako sa blog na 'to. Nakakatuwa... Kasi sa kabila ng mahabang panahon na 'yun eh sariwa pa rin sa 'kin ang mga naisulat ko dito.

Andami na rin palang nangyari. Andami ko nang nakilalang tao. Yung iba mas nakilala ko. Meron namang hindi ko na kilala kasi parang may nagbago... Pati nga sarili ko di ko na makilala kung ikukumpara sa dating ako. Sa loob ng labing apat na buwan, maiksi man kung tutuusin, madaming nangyari na nagpabago sa inog ng mundo.

Anu-ano pa kaya ang nagbago? Tingin mo?

Iba Ba Tayo?

Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin mawari kung bakit kailangang ihiwalay ang mga bagay-bagay kung pwede namang ipagsama-sama. Marahil dahil ito ang nararapat sa kabila ng katotohanang ginagawan ng paraan ng kalikasan na muli itong at ipagsama-sama at guluhin. Siguro dapat nang sundin ang kalikasan para maging madali na ang lahat.

Ito ang naiisip ko habang nakatulala hawak ang may sinding yosi at panay buga ng nakamamatay na usok na nagpapakalma sa ulo ko. Madami akong kaibigang katulad ko (third-sex kung tawagin) na nagsasabi at naniniwalang iba kami (tayo) sa mga straight. Tama naman kasi nga iba ang gusto namin (natin) sa dalawang sekswalidad. Pero kapag tinatanong ko sila kung kailangan ba iba din sa nakagawiang relasyon ang relasyon ng katulad namin (natin), walang kongkretong sagot.

Narinig ko minsan ang isang babaeng nag-comment, "Bakit kasi ang mga bading na yan eh kailangan pang tratuhin na iba? At bakit kailangan nilang i-separate ang sarili nila sa heterosexual society? Eh di ba pantay-pantay naman lahat?" Eto na ata ang pinakamagandang opinyon at tanong na narinig ko sa isang straight na babae. Bakit nga naman di ba? Maraming dahilan o kaya maraming dinadahilan...

I'm Still A Man

It was dawn and we're all busy answering customers' questions and processing their requests when suddenly everyone in the team received an instant message in the chatroom. "Meeting! Now na." is what my supervisors message every time he gets a confirmation from the workforce management that it's all right to get off the phones.

As always, there's waiting and "kulitan" with my best "buddy" in the team, which happens to be a lady physically, psychologically and sexually. We threw  friendly insults to each other while walking down the isle to the conference room where we would have a meeting. Then she said "Bakit kaya hindi ka na lang magpakalalake no?" I was astounded and cracked into an enormous fiery funny monster because of such a very stupid question. But then, I answered "Siguro nadedevelop ka na saken kaya mo tinatanong yan no? Eeeeewwww ka!" And loud laughter filled the air and everybody was staring at us...

While in the meeting, we occasionally chat which made my supervisor a little uncomfortable. He stared at us and threw the question which I already forgot. Ready as I was, I answered the question in a manner no one was able to comprehend. As I was talking my brains out I noticed that everyone was so keen in listening. I was not sure why all their eyes was upon me. Were they listening or what, I asked myself. Was I saying something wrong?

Then, one of my team mates blurted out something. Maybe she couldn't contain it anymore and said "Si GB oh parang totoo lang. Ang laki ng boses at lalakeng lalake pa!" I stopped in the middle of explaining and everyone was stunned for about three seconds. And then laughter consumed every soul in the room.

Never realizing what my tone of voice that time, I was shocked by myself. I laughed my heart out because for the first I was quoted of the manly and deep voice I carry. My super visor even said that I was different at that time and it was believable that I acted so, very, as in manly.

After my red faced (literally) moment I tuned to my best buddy and remembered our conversation before entering that room. She smiled and said "Oh ano? My point naman tanong ko di ba?"

Weak and Lost

Never had I felt this way before...

Two nights ago I faced that one friend who cared for me and asked me about the test I took as I told him about it months ago. I almost cried because somehow I felt someone cared about me personally. Not that I don't appreciate my communications with you about my status right now but it felt better to have someone just hug me and be silent about it. I felt a little relieved that there's someone who can just embrace the truth with me without saying anything. Don't worry, I trust this person a lot and he promised to just forget what I said while we're away from each other. He's a very dear friend, outside the closest friends/bestfriends.

Truthfully, I missed our silent moments. Those times when we just hang out and not talk about anything or just talk about something nonsense.

Just hours before writing this letter to you I felt so alone in my chamber. I felt that there's emptiness in me. I don't know why but for the first time I don't feel inspired despite all those hangouts with friends and family. There's a very big space inside my soul as I searched for answers. And right now I'm lost.

I can't see the earth I'm stepping unto nor the path I'm leading to. Fogs are all over me and even the slightest light I saw weeks ago vanished into thick clouds of the cold and gloomy surroundings. All I could sense right now is the virus inside. It's killing my dreams that every night my sleep is so dead. It numbed me. It took the happiness I was saving all along and I don't know how to get it back.

Before, I've been the pillar of most of my friends including you, I think. Now, the strong column I have and everyone has been holding onto every time we need it was destructed. Every piece of it is slowly blown by the wind I couldn't stop. The strength I was holding was gone and all I can do is watch it stripped off me. I am weak now and I don't know where to get the strength I had before.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what life will lead me to. The virus has taken over me. And now, all I could do is weakly watch while it's taking my senses away.

I'm afraid... I need a hand more than ever... I need a shoulder. I need myself back...

I am Afraid to Love Again

Yesterday, while listening to the mini-seminar that a church-woman was saying, I was enthralled by a declaration she made about the sacrament of marriage. She said that marriage is only for a man and a woman. But she didn't stop there, instead she stressed by saying "Take note: Marriage is for a MAN and WOMAN ONLY."

I didn't know what to think about her saying such. Is she against us? The idea pierced me and it took my bones into shivers. I didn't realize that in this modern world, there are religious "educators" like her who are so close-minded. I can't blame her. She's just saying what she's thought about.

Later on I saw lovers. They are heterosexuals. I could see in their eyes they're so in love or so I thought. Then the idea of LOVE came back again. It's like a shadow following me ever since I gave up on it. I never realized how romantically un-loved I am for the past months.

Although it's not a big deal for me. I dug into myself as to why until now I haven't shared my romantic love at all. Maybe it's the fact that I have loved and lost a partner. I invested on the relationship emotionally to the point that I lost my emotions for my friends and family. Truthfully, I lost my appetite for their love and I searched for another.

The second time I entered in a relationship was not because I loved the guy but because I wanted to feel how good it is to be loved. I didn't succeed. We were both engulfed to the idea of just having a relationship. It ended short-lived.

The third was a gamble I bet a little. No, I didn't bet at all. I let it flown away by the wind. I acted as if I was getting into the relationship and was hoping I could something out of it or I could love again same way I loved before. There was only one quarrel. I remembered telling my bestfriend that it might be it! He might be the one I was searching for. Sad thing was he didn't think same way. He was thinking of his past love. I was left but I didn't leave.

I didn't leave him because I thought he was my bad karma. I thought if I can be with him as a friend I can make amends of the bad things I did before. Or maybe I still can find the guy in him I longed for the past years in my life.

However, right now I just realized that despite those thoughts of love, I fear love. Love is like an unknown idea I had brushed off a long time ago. It's like a pitch dark room that all I can hear is a monstrous sound coming out of it. It's like a plane flying with only one wing and anytime can crash and burn. It's like the ocean where scavenger creatures live waiting to eat the hell out of me.

Certainly, I'm afraid to love again because of all the circumstances in my life. I'm afraid because I'm still selfish. I'm afraid because I'm still in the thoughts that no one would love me back.

Now, I'm swallowing every advice I had given to my friends: "Just love and expect nothing in return." It's a cliche but I think it's always true that the truths you say and advice are the hardest things to do.

I'm still afraid to love. Maybe my fear will wear off once there's someone who'll see me as a lovable person. As long as I see myself as the exact opposite of that, I know no one would ever try to love me. But at the moment, I'm still enjoying the love of my family and friends... and myself...