Activism to Positivism

Back in college I could say that I was one of those "slightly" activists. Slightly for the reason I didn't go full time in fighting for what I believe in. Yes, I went to lots of fora, political discussions and even a protest rally against the budget cut for education especially for the state colleges and universities. I even debated with the anti-leftists and carried the principles of leftist but that's not the point  of this entry. The activist in me was just awakened by the article I've read in PDI's Young Blood column.

I remembered when the rage in me was so strong that I hated the government (that time with PGMA) to the point that I couldn't contain it anymore, that I had to learn more things about the controversies that the regime was into, including the scandals of the past administration. I was not sure why I felt that way until I left college. I was one of those struggling students. I had a scholarship but it was not enough to sustain everything. There were meals I skipped not because I didn't have time but because I needed the money left in my pocket to print the research paper to pass the subject. There were also times when I looked at those students who just wasted their parents' hard-earned money with loath. I envied them for they could afford the education they wanted. At the same time I pity them because they're lost and didn't have goals like mine. But above it all, I was ashamed of the government that couldn't support its citizenry by all means, and that included me and thousands of students crawling their way to get a degree and thereby getting decent paying job. This shame grew into rage.

Maybe my stomach was just almost always empty that's why I seek something to blame to. Or maybe I was too idealistic of what the world should be according to the way I wanted it to be- a peaceful, happy and contented society. Or maybe I haven't seen the real world yet from the corners of the academic edifice.

I left school without a degree but with an earnest heart to finish it and share what I learned even though I didn't like nor dislike what I studied. "Sapat lang" as I put it. Here came the real world! The world of truth where everyone is so busy. I raided Makati City to find the decent job everyone wanted. I fell to the same hole that a lot of my friend fell into. It's a hole where money is abundant as well as stress. The call center world.

At first, I said that was just a transition period. I just needed money to complete the paperworks for thesis. Until I woke up one evening and realized I was already tied to the corporate world of the slaves. It was hard at first  but I eventually got the hang of it. I was ashamed because I had to swallow everything I said back in college. I knew some of those I spoke with bitterness were mocking me already. Just imagine an activist that hated USA he believed that it's imperialist and fascist now serving the country through its BPO companies. Hard isn't it?

In time, it grew upon me that governments, politics and society must not be viewed as a systemic problem at all. I thought all of us are part of this all. However we deny it, in one way or another, we contributed to the bigger problem of our own society. We separate ourselves from that bigger picture once we see something wrong when in fact we rely on this. That being written, I turned the page and immersed myself into it knowing that I might see it with a different hue. I was right. The view now is lighter and with positive colors.

Today, I started saying that being one of those who had the same flame of activism must continue to be activist but this time the war will be fought with tranquility and respect. I started with myself. Then, maybe I can share it to my friends and then my community. This may sound a joke but I wanna do my share. Let's do our share.

P.S.

I got my degree and marched with my hand-woven "Sablay."

The Mass

Today, I heard a mass in the most memorable church of my love life. This is the very church I first entered with my first guy. The very church where I promised that I would take care of the person beside me. And the very church that I took refuge to when I felt lonely the most. But today, I felt fearless and light-headed when I stepped into its tiled floor thinking that I should seek forgiveness from God, the only being I'm accountable to...


It came in like a surprise when the homily was about the "happiness" of the life we're leading to. Of all the places I would be preached of the most evasive but fulfilling happiness, I would get it from the place where I laid my happiness a long time ago. The priest spoke of happiness as if it was contentment. As if it was success in life. As if it was heaven. But he took it back by saying that life might squeeze us so that all that will be left is hate and sadness. It's our decision then if we seek for that sweet revenge or drink the "nutritious" juice of happiness back again.


My favorite part of that homily was "We are unhappy because of what we've done to ourselves only, nothing else."

On My Mind

It's so wonderful to see a sea of people clamoring and racing against each other whilst in the busy day of Divisoria. Yeah, it's Christmas time and everyone has money to spend for everything! But the euphoria left me wondering how on earth could these people splurge at the end of the year when they are struggling so hard after the holidays. Maybe my friend was right about the concept of seizing the moment.

Everyone is in celebration and doesn't want to lose the momentum. While the air of happiness and celebration is around, they tend to ride with it and just enjoy.

As for me, I am seizing the momentous part of the holidays deep down my thoughts. This will be the first time I'll celebrate the holidays with peaceful and solitary mind because this year is the turning point of my life...

The Fight

Today, I was informed of the war I have never realized that I already am fighting probably for several months now.
It's the war nobody would dare to get into. The kind of war that has a lose-lose situation.
It is said that even if you fight, the war will continue until it'll consume you.
The only effective strategy is to be strong for yourself.
Today is a new day. Like I was born the second time...

Memoir of a Gay-sha

Memories are our way of keeping the past alive. Some are so painful we never want to visit them again. But a memory can also be a gift, something we can open again in order to fill ourselves with happiness. And sometimes a moment becomes a memory the instant it's happening because it is so true, and so pure and so significant you want to capture it forever.


This is the exact words from one of my favorites TV series characters- Kyle XY.
Disclaimer: The writer of this blog has no proprietorial rights to the picture nor to the quote above.

Itim

Pasakay na sya ng motorela (isang klase ng sasakyan na pinapatakbo ng motorsiklo) nang sumalubong sa kanya ang wari'y hilaw na bati ng mga ka-baranggay. Napaisip sya kung bakit parang may kakaiba sa mga ito ngunit dahil mas iniisip nya ang patimpalak na gaganapin sa Lunes, hindi na nya ininda ang mga ito. Mataas ang hangad nya na mapasama sa mga pinakamagagaling sa Matematika sa kanila syudad. Kakaunti lang kasi ang may lakas ng loob na suungin ang laban sa mga numero kung ikukumpara sa ibang asignatura sa mataas na paaralan.

Sinipa ng drayber ang pedal at biglang tumakbo ang makina ng motorsiklo. Naglabas ito ng usok na kumalat sa gilid ng sasakyan. Kasabay nito ay ang isang tanong na nagdulot ng pagtataka sa mukha nya, "Kamusta ka na?," sambit ng isang ale na noon lamang sya kinausap. "Okay naman po," inosente nyang sagot. Bakas sa ale ang pagtataka. "Di mo pa ba alam ang nangyari sa tatay mo?" kumunot ang nuo. Umiling lang sya na punong puno ng tanong. "Patay na tatay mo." Mahina at malungkot na sambit ng ale.

Unang pumasok sa utak ng binatilyo ang posibleng biro ng ale. Pilit nyang iwinawaglit sa isip ang nasagap na balita sa gitna ng byahe. Lumipad ang kanyang isip sa kung saan. Gumaan ang kanyang katawan ngunit unti-unting bumibigat ang kanyang ulo. Ibinababa nito ang kanyanng buong pagkatao pabalik sa katotohanan ng buhay. Mga kalahating oras ding binaybay ng sasakyan patungo sa bahay na tinutuluyan ng pamilya ng binatilyo. Ngunit ang paglalakbay na iyon ay waring isang dekada ng lahat ng alaalang bumalot sa isipan nya.

Ang kanyang ina ay tulala, namumugto ang mga mata dala ng labis na pagluha. Madaming tao sa bahay. Noon lang sinakop ng mga kapitbahay ang antigo at walang lamang bahay na iyon. Nakakapanibago. Nakakasakal ang dami ng tao. Tila wala nang natirang hangin sa loob ng bahay.

Hindi naging madamdamin ang kanyang pagdungaw sa bangkay ng kinilala n'yang ama. Walang luha. Walang hagulgol. Ni walang kaunting iyak na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Isang di maipaliwanag na tingin lamang ang kanyang naibigay sa amang hindi nya nakilala nang lubos at hindi sya kilala.

Isa lamang ang nasabi nya sa kanyang ama, "Sayang di mo na mararanasan ang inaasam mong maginhawang buhay. Sayang dahil hindi ko na maipapakilala ang tunay na ako pero sana maintindihan mong di ko sinasadya ang maging ganito."

O[Bar]MG!

Last saturday, after a very tiring trip somewhere in a nearby suburb, I, together with few of my friends, catwalked in a very familiar yet strange place for me. Maybe because it was a long time ago since I managed to enter such a place or maybe I haven't acquainted myself yet to the fact that, in one way or another, I have to visit there to widen my thoughts of the place.


That was the second time I entered O Bar. A very cold place but very warm in welcoming its guests to party and meet random warm bloods. At around 10PM, I knew only few has the heart to sustain the loneliness of the place since the real party starts by early midnight and ends at near morning. We found a certain niche upstairs and had three drinks which were covered by tickets. Not until we felt that the meager number of guests were not enough to uplift our spirits did we decided to tread down the ground floor. And alas! It was fully packed with different faces.


I checked every single soul in the smoky chamber not hoping to find someone who'd dare to take a look on such a mere usual face of mine but to observe. I saw two guys in one corner whispering at each other as if gossiping. Then, another guy is holding his beer bottle while caressing the music with his own bodily dance. At the mouth of the room were a few minding their own business but it's evident that they're looking for something or someone.


And my eyes were stuck into a rather familiar face. I couldn't remember him but something's telling me I know him. Maybe he also wore a familiar face, I said to myself. He was in the darker part of that room just smoking  and drinking while checking on every person passing by the center going to the bar area. Is he waiting for someone? Or is he also bored in his place and just wanna hang out? Looking at his gestures, it can be inferred that something's bothering him. I don't know if it was that someone he's waiting for or if he's just eager to see the world within the four corners of the famous O Bar. I was not quite sure.


I was intently staring at him hoping to completely see his face. Then, his eyes were drawn abruptly unto me. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to do then. I should have taken my eyes away from him but I couldn't. It's too late. And besides I didn't know where to pin my attention to. Thus, I stared. For a moment, I felt a connection between us. It's something I have never felt before. As if I knew him and he wants to know me. Then, he swayed his face and tried to reclaim himself from the same half-humiliation. I felt shy by then.


Although we stared at each other for a few seconds, I knew he was curious as I was. Curious of the reason why I stared at him like that. But he brushed off the curiosity. Me too.


I danced for while to ease up my drunkenness and release the alcohol lurking my head. Like him, I also swayed through the music. Felt it. Romanced with it. And finally, I was able to gather myself back and out I went to breathe only to find out he was also there. By this time, I didn't mind him anymore.


This is one of the most peculiar yet strange nights I had with so many unfamiliar faces. This is one moment when catching off guard is a usual thing. This is one of the moments we experience in an entertainment nook such as O Bar.